Tracy Morgan, Steve Jobs and THE LIST

I am in no means a consumer of celebrity news, however, one piece of recent news that did catch my eye was the news that Tracy Morgan, of 30 Rock fame (a show I do not watch), recently had a kidney transplant. For many, this hearkened back to April 2009, when Apple founder and CEO Steve Jobs had a liver transplant. In both instances there seems to be two predominant responses to the news. The first response is fairly typical of anyone who has gone through a relatively serious medical treatment, which is well wishes, which I personally think is entirely appropriate. The second response, which I've notice in both the instances of Tracy Morgan and Steve Jobs is usually very cynical and in my opinion very myopic and ignorant. The response is to complain that these two people got special treatment because they are rich. That they jumped ahead of other deserving people on the transplant list. That somehow there was something inherently unfair or underhanded about these particular people receiving their transplants. In fact, I admit that my initial gut reaction to these pieces of news was very similar. After some thought and consideration, however, I have a little bit of different view. I'm still not 100% sure that everything regarding these transplants was "above the board" so to speak, but consider this.

1. The news never mentions how long these guys waited for their transplants, just that they had them. Personally, I have no idea how long either of these people were on the list. In case of Steve Jobs, there had been reports of him being SERIOUSLY sick for years prior to his transplant, he could have been on the list that entire time. In the case of Tracy Morgan, I seem to recall hearing several years ago that he too was sick, so again, who knows how long he was on the list. They both MAY have waited just like everyone else.

2. All cynicism about how the transplant list works, aside, the list is need based, and I find it some what difficult (though not impossible) to believe that these guys got their transplants before others of greater need. In the case of Tracy Morgan, it could have simply been a case of finding a match, which helps A LOT with kidney transplants. So I tend to believe that the didn't somehow cheat the transplant list. See my next point for more about ghis

3. In Steve Jobs' case, he was on multiple lists in multiple states, to better his chances of getting an organ. He was able to do this because, yes, he is rich, and he could afford to travel to all those different places multiple times, and at a moments notice. I don't know a single person on the transplant list, who, if they had the financial wear-with-all, would do the exact same thing. I know I would have (though I was so ill before my transplant that I couldn't leave the ICU). I cannot fault him for doing this. There is nothing, dishonest, mean-spirited, or unfair about it.

4. Lastly, as I have already alluded to, we do not get the whole story from the celebrity news, so really, we don't know the true circumstances of the transplant and are not really in a place to judge its appropriateness.

I know the situation can seem unfair, especially to those people who are on the transplant list waiting, but I personally can't fault either of men for receiving their gift of life.

One note, this is certainly only my perspective, and should taken with a grain of salt, especially since, even though I have had a heart transplant, I have essentially zero experience with the transplant list. When I was placed on the list, on September 23, 2008, I was placed at status 1A, greatest need, because of this, and my chances of success with a transplant, I was placed at the top of the list for my blood type in my area. Furthermore, I live in Los Angeles, CA, where, unfortunately, many people lose their lives everyday from all manner of things. Because of these factors, I was only on the list for 8 hours, as my heart was found the very same day. Keep that in mind when reading this note.

The Weight

Everyone one of us has heard the phrase "I feel like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders". For a lot of people, most I bet, I think this is a purely metaphorical thought. For those that it is literal, I imagine a person hefting off a large backpack after a long hike in the wilderness. I always knew what a person meant by the phrase and even felt it myself, after a school paper was submitted, a large project at work was completed, when some great psychological or emotional weight is removed.

A few weeks ago, I felt something that I had not felt before, something I never really thought would happen. A few weeks ago, as the psychological and emotional worries and troubles that I have allowed to continued to allow to build upon me, I felt a physical weight lower itself onto my shoulders. I don't know how to describe it, other than like a sandbag, wrapped from shoulder to shoulder around my neck like a yoke. Honestly, to me, I swear this thing has real weight. Some days the weight feels so heavy that it slows me down, physically - my walking even slows. Without going to into details, I can even pinpoint the exact moment I felt it. Some days it's not so bad, others I can barely get out of bed. Don't get me wrong, I know it's all related to my depression., and I know it's some sort of psychosomatic reaction to all the stress I'm feeling these day. Still, this strong of a physical reaction to all this has really surprised me.

Sometimes I feel very lost with the direction of my life. It's similar with this weight as well. I think I know vaguely what I need to do to lift it, but at the same time I just can't seem to see how that would work. I don't mean, that I don't believe that I can't get rid of it, more that I don't understand to process, which just makes me feel even more lost.