Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Broken Puzzles

As a follow up to my last post, after a year of silence, I offer this.  It has occurred to me that the days of personal blogs being a public forum to pour your heart out.  These days people just take care of these sorts of things through Twitter and Facebook.  Some thoughts, some idea, take a little more space to get out, and so for those sorts of occasions, I keep this.  

I am patently aware that continuing to dwell on  the unfortunate events of my life in the past few years is a sad expression of my failure to move on from these events.  I know that it is perceived as whining by some.    I actually try very hard not to dump all my struggles on others. Maybe it's my own insecurities that cause me to feel like that - this idea that everyone I  know is tired of me "dealing with it" Hell I know I am.  Regardless I get the impression that I'm not very successful at it.  I digress, though,  this isn't really what this post is about.  I'll just go ahead and call It what it is "Self-indulgent catharsis". Ultimately, I think I write these things in an attempt to have others...understand.

When others go through similar experiences. I often hear them talking about "Putting their life back together", as if, after these events your life is a broken vase, or a unmade, messed up jigsaw puzzle.  I understand this metaphor.  It makes sense.  For me though, I have begun to realize that it is different.  When I was in Pittsburgh visiting my family over the holidays, I discovered that one of my nieces liked puzzles.  The first puzzle we did together was a small puzzle, maybe 40 pieces with a castle, some princesses and a unicorn.  But we ended up trying to put it back together without the picture.  I found it hard to even find the edge pieces, let alone have an inclination as to where they went. For me, I feel my life is like that at this moment in time.   If I think of my life as that broken jigsaw puzzle, this beautiful portrait that has been shattered, and I go back to pick up the pieces and put it back together, I'm finding that I don't have all the pieces anymore. Moreover, the ones I have don't fit together the way they used to.  There aren't even enough pieces left to make the picture anymore.  Sure, I could go find a new puzzle, a new beautiful portrait, but I have no idea what that would look like.  So there is nothing to put back together, I can't even find the edge pieces,  I can't find many of the pieces at all.  All I have are these random pieces from my old life that used to be lynch pins of a beautiful scene but now they are just a puzzle piece. But a puzzle piece that I don't want to throw away, because it was once part of something great and I don't like giving up the idea that these pieces, these parts of my life, if I'm being specific, mountain biking, and rock climbing and even my profession, can someday be part of something great again, something new and great and beautiful.  For now though, I stay lost, because I don't know where to start again.

1 comment:

Christina said...

Thinking of you, Michael...