Probably the most often question asked of me is some variation of "How did this happen?" or "Why did you need a heart transplant?” Sadly the only answer I can really give is a shrug and a weak smile. The truth is I neither know why nor understand why this happened. Not long after I got out of the hospital asked my doctor about the pathology of my old heart. The answer he gave me was pretty vague and wishy-washy even for medical speak. The report described how disease ridden my heart was, how sick it was, how it showed signs of other heart attacks, but really came to no conclusions or how it got this way. My doctor grumbled something about genetics causing premature coronary disease, but really, I have no family history of such premature coronary disease, no risk factors at all. 'Bad luck', people say.
Honestly, I guess there is some comfort in knowing that there isn't really a reason for what happened to me, that there was nothing I could have done. But still, sometimes it feels like living under the sword of Damocles, not knowing what (almost) killed me. It is not an oppressive fear that hangs on me, but it is there. It is incredibly difficult not knowing, not understanding how I came to have such a ridiculous string of health challenges (heart attack, pneumonia, strokes, infections, ITP). It is a question that haunts me, the question that I can't escape. It is a question that is extraordinarily frustrating. Not knowing why this has happened to me, and not knowing why I am to I face these challenges. Among all my current challenges, the depression, the meds, the ITP, not knowing is the hardest part.
3 comments:
Hi, I just saw your blog and have gone back and read over some of your posts. How is being back at work going? I am in school and really want to go back, but know it is not the right time, but I am afraid I will never know when it will be the right time. Anyways, was the ITP casuse be the transplant, or did you have that before?
Allie
Heart transpland nov 2009
Sometimes we do feel bewildered when struck with absurd health problems.But there isn't anything that we could do about it.have to accept fate and move on.I am sure the medical help today is fantastic and we all have the right to hope.
To take a decision of Heart Transplantation is too hard. Many way we think and then after person prepare for it. its treatment and surgery are complex procedure. But its the best way to resole heart problems and heart decease.
Post a Comment